sad clown

02/14/2026

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being sober sucks !!!! i wasnt made to be this hard. soft marrow mannequin w loose joints .. how does a figure like that hold itself tall? disciplined? thru great effort & sobriety. low key i didnt choose this t break it chose me. sometimes i feel like i have a sure thing then it changes on me. flower’s seasonal just like anything else. but it isnt really flower these days, at least not the legal stuff. funny how legal weed only doubled down on the carcerality of thc by adding a *white* collar element to it. whats left of the underground?

which is kind of how venues work, right? apropos, berghain is directly complicit in genocide. in my dreams i wander the empty halls of my ancestors. they are not the halls of berghain, tho being in that space reminds me of those dreams. also tunnels. when i die im going to crawl into an underpass tunnel & lay there among the moss & swallows, crisp secret air filling my lungs until i turn colder than the ground.

can you smell death in the creeks? after the floods?? imagine in ur own veins a miasma of rot seeping thru, necrotic & constricting. my veins r ur veins r the veins of our city. cut wrists cut land. entire landscapes have vanished. entire ppls, too. here there & everywhere. if texas is an experim ent for the future of border enforcement, then atx the bastion of gentrification has been a lab in its own right. and now musk controls one of the few remaining stable water ways in our town. and is actively poisoning the others. death wreaks after the floods but musk's sludge contributes its own notes. hints of recycled earth & lithium & carcass du animal swallowed by the torrent of waste. what can dead land provide? where will the shores be in 30 years or less?

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the tunnels this weekend were a vibe tho. but even there we were on our salute shit. honestly most outfits would have just shut down, after the night they had (how complicit is flock & waymo in busting our parties?). but the tunnels stayed up till dawn, spoops aside. hardcore is made in the struggle & struggle was definitely the vibe. felt like we all needed to punch back at something & the music was as good a force as any for quick catharsis. the fight continues.

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i feel dysphoric not having a winter. even just a texas winter would do! my clothes dont fit me so i carry myself awkwardly thru the unseason. im glad for the humidity tho. i pray for a moist spring. i dont want to wear any clothes, anywhere. i want to be cloaked in the mist & dewy among the growth. then i hope it miraculously subsides into a calm, mild summer lmao.

my favorite valentines day was the one year we got snow. idk what year but it was middle school. it snowed early in the morning, & only stuck to the lawns or roofs. it was wet but bright, cold & comfortable. i bought a rose from the student council fundraiser for this girl, and gave it to her on the bus ride home. we got off at the same stop, and walked quietly to our houses a few doors apart. i remember thinking for the first time if i was aromantic in some kind of way. now i recognize the fondness i felt towards her as a very sisterly kind. but atp i had such a limited framework & understanding of how to communicate those types of feelings. opposite sex means i must engage romantic, w a rose. and i felt that towards other girls! but not her. girl next door for everyone else except her next door neighbor. we were just one of the girls.

due to other ci rcumstances in our lives thats abt when we stopped being close. . i think in both of our lives there were ruptures of sexual violence that neither of us knew how to react to or deal with.

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we need to get a lot more disciplined. idk if ppl realize the severity of what we’re up against rn. and what i dont mean is that u must sacrifice a part of yourself towards that effort!! u must dedicate it. low key some of the most disciplined ppl i kno r party ppl. also some of the most avoidant so idk.

honestly i dont blame most ppl for not engaging with this moment, especially those more actively at risk. what fries my nerves tho are the ones who feign some kind of interest, reacting to some internal need to appear active & open to engaging, yet their actions are based in complete avoidance. no more fake ass bitches 2026!! theres a few more new years left to make the resolution .. lunar then the ostara equinox. we need to get a lot more disciplined. right meow. this includes including self care (which begins with honesty).

what ive realized tho is that if i make space for those who are intentional, and unafraid, my life becomes filled with those ppl. im extremely thankful for those around me right now. its interesting how old connections have come back into my life. alongside many of the new ones. those r even kind of the same bc old connections are made new by the passage of time. maybe we were connected 2 years ago but how we connect now is completely different. but also exactly the same. all just consonances & dissonances of cosmic proportions.

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just got the email confirming my debut performance under my new moniker! v excited. ive been tethered to a planner this (calendar) year so far & high key its awful. needed to maintain my obligations to the work ive been doing. but it fucks up my brain. makes me dysphoric. i need to untether from time, surrender back to the current. im hoping to find that in the music & am extremely thankful for the timing of this gig. balance, blooming away from time, dewy among the growth. what is lost comes back to us, with trust. important to hold the emotion we feel w loss, honor it, praise it, devote ourselves to it. is it anger, is it sadness, grief? what does the sad clown feel? what have they lost, and what has returned?

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