summer snuck one on me

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im scared of summer. i turn into an entirely different person. an entirely different being. a sunflower like mirror, pivoted directly towards the searing rays of our star - containing its entire light in heat & pinpointing that whichever way i face, igniting my entire surroundings.

the moon! the moon! pls o goddess the moon! save me from the light. the night is a tide that soothes my burned flesh. tho she will not return my vision. every thing seems so far away and the figures i see r scary (tho its the ones i dont that haunt me more). i can not find my friends! pls, luck, let a pixie appear to float me gently towards them. can you tell me where i am??

the air mirrors the creeks: stagnant warm pools w thousands of flying critters buzzing around. heavy to breathe. oppressive in its accumulation. which is y ig there wasnt much fog at body this weekend?? actually there was .. when i rolled up it was a cloud. the veil was very thin but the air very full. full moon in sag was a high pressure system sitting right on top of austin. i wanted to strip completely naked & expose myself to the moon, lay bare in front of the gathering of the jinn. but there were too many dudes & not enough fog late in the night (early in the morning).

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went to body at all to see friends .. which i kinda did but also not really. austin is weird for me rn bc im so exposed during the day & night. its hard for me to sift among the shadows. present but out of site. which i think is bc i dont have the type of community support that sustains an undergroud style of living. but coincidentally is also bc i have made community in the places im at. even if i travel to different cities ppl know me. its love. but i do miss being able to close my eyes & not see anyone. i need both, but moreso need to be better abt balancing.

really i need a butch. a service dog who will act as my physical sense(s) for me. direct my attention. or maybe a pretty elf will adopt me & allow me to meander amongst her orbit. i want to become better as to be deserving of that. i want to break the patterns that hinder me. i want to tip the dominoes ive laid out for/as myself. summer is here & its only light. how can i shine my brightest w.o burning out. what needs to burn & what will rise from the ash?

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