summer snuck one on me

06/02/2026

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im scared of summer. i turn into an entirely different person. an entirely different being. a sunflower like mirror faced directly into the searing rays of our star - containing its entire light as heat & pinpointing that whichever way i face, igniting my entire surroundings.

the moon! the moon! pls o goddess the moon! save me from the light. the night is a tide that soothes my burnt flesh. tho she will not return my vision. every thing seems so far away and the figures i see r scary (tho the ones i dont haunt me more). i cant find my friends! pls, luck, let a pixie appear to float me gently towards them. will you tell me where i am rn??

the air mirrors the creeks: stagnant warm pools w thousands of tiny buzzing insects loitering. heavy to breathe. oppressive in its accumulation. which is y ig there wasnt much fog at body this weekend?? actually there was .. when i rolled up it was a cloud. the veil was very thin but the air very full. full moon in sag was a high pressure system sitting right on top of austin. i wanted to strip completely naked & expose myself to the moon, lay bare in front of the gathering of the jinn. but there were too many dudes & not enough fog late in the night (early in the morning).

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went to body at all to see friends .. which i kinda did but i saw less than saw me. austin is weird for me rn bc im so exposed during the day & night it makes me wanna hide. its hard for me to sift among the shadows, lately. to be present but out of site. which i think is bc i dont have the type of community support that sustains an undergroud style of living. but coincidentally is also bc i have made community in the places im at currently. even if i travel to different cities ppl know me. its love. but i do miss being able to close my eyes & not see anyone. to run away & isolate in a creek down the tracks. rave in a crowd of true strangers. i need both the isolation & the community .. so i hate myself when i whine for not having enough of either. i need to work harder at finding balance.

my selfish desire is to find a street smart butch who adores me. a service animal who will act as my physical sense(s) in absence my own ability to inhabit them. alert! or maybe some kind twist of fate will lead a pretty elf to adopt me to her journey. tag along within her wake. i want to become better as to be deserving of those. i want to break the patterns that hinder me. i want to tip the dominoes ive laid out as/for myself. summer is here & its sacred & im scared. what will it take to harness the entire energy of the sun within my being w.o burning out? or is the burning necessary to allow new growth to rise from the ash?? smother me!! feed me no tinder!

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